The last two months have been unbearable. All I think about is her and all I want to do is be with her every moment. I want to spend each day with her and I want to feel wanted again. She doesn't want me anymore. She's moved on, yet she won't let me go. The problem is if she keeps me much longer, then no one will want me. I will be too old, beat up, used...people will find something new and fresh...I am worthless.
It wasn't always like this between us. I remember the first time we saw each other. She just gazed at me, but it was just a gaze. She loved me then. She needed to have me. I could see how much she wanted me...how much she needed me. It was like standing on a double-rainbow that never ends. She has always been impulsive, especially when it comes to my kind. She sees what she wants, and she gets it. Not me though, I was special. The first time, we just looked at each other. I didn't know if I would ever see her again. A week later, she appeared again. This time, I tried to make myself more visible. The light glimmered off my elegance and I knew tonight was the tonight.
I went home with her. It was the most amazing Saturday night I have ever had. We were together every moment that night. We danced the night away with friends and we were...inseparable. Hours felt like minutes. Minutes felt like seconds. It was our first time together, but for that night, we both knew it was meant to be forever. We went home that night. We made our way to the bedroom and she laid me down so softly. She smiled for a moment as she caressed me and gave me a luck of appreciation and assurance. After that, the night ended.
Something changed the next day. She ignored me. She just pushed me away, as if I didn't exist to her. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I felt so inadequate. We have been living together now, yet she never looks at me. She has a lot more friends now. I can tell she likes them more than me. She is promiscuous...a different pair of friends every weekend to go out with. It hurts. And sometimes, I am beside myself, alone in the dark, and feel irrelevant.
She has looked at me a couple of times, but is always dismissive, choosing her new friends over me. I was just a fad to her, a one-night stand, something of the past.
I know I have lost her. Last week, she had a girlfriend over. They were both hysterical about this new place they found, where everyone there was cheap and easy to get. They were frantic. Giggling, laughing, and comparing notes on who they'll get next time. They use us. We are only good for a short time, then it is on to the next.
She is gone forever and I am alone. My life is almost over. Soon, I will perish and never be remembered. I wish I would have never met her, but I'm sure any other woman would have treated me the same way.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Really Lame and Corny Thought
I have always been fascinated by the idea that humans will someday have abnormal abilities beyond what our current stage in evolution allows us. As a child, my inspiration came from Sunday comics on TV such as X-men, where humans had evolved to be able to do such things such as read minds, regenerate quickly, control weather systems, and shoot lasers from their eyes (although the last one really didn't impress me). Someone once said to me that if you can imagine it, then it is bound to happen (or is that from Star Trek). Who knows, maybe there are already people on Earth that have leaped ahead of the human race, as the rest of us struggle to differentiate ourselves from the orangutans from which we came.
I became obsessed with the idea of what I would choose if I was able to have one of these given abilities. The earliest idea I had would be not to control people's minds, but rather, read them. The ability to see what people are thinking, especially as it pertains to how they are thinking about you, would be invaluable. Persuasion of the mind is much more powerful than persuasion of the physical, and by understanding what others are thinking, you could ulitmately alter your own behavior to elicit whatever result you want and then monitor the reaction.
I have seen people that have great skill in this area already. They are not mind readers, nor do they exhibit truly super human ability, but nonetheless, those people with high "EQ" tend to succeed greatly where mental prediction is critical: Business, politics, etc. It's too bad medical professionals don't have this skill--they would probably do a better job working with patients!
I've come to realize that reading other's thoughts is NOT a super power I would want. Rather, I have decided that the only super power I would like to have is the inability to care what others are thinking about me at all. Of course, this isn't to say I don't care about what people think, but I find that too often in life we pay attention closely to the way others perceive us. It is exemplified by our need for attention, our obsession with image and materialism, and our unending need to impress others.
I have met great people that "don't give a f*ck", but often times, it comes across as negative and selfish. Other times, it so characterizes the person so much that they are either ineffective in life. What I'm talking about is different. Creativity, idea generation, and a healthy level of risk-taking requires the person to diverge from the norm and acceptable. This is what makes us move forward. Vision comes from having an idea, then nurturing the idea despite the criticism and doubt the world throws at us.
I became obsessed with the idea of what I would choose if I was able to have one of these given abilities. The earliest idea I had would be not to control people's minds, but rather, read them. The ability to see what people are thinking, especially as it pertains to how they are thinking about you, would be invaluable. Persuasion of the mind is much more powerful than persuasion of the physical, and by understanding what others are thinking, you could ulitmately alter your own behavior to elicit whatever result you want and then monitor the reaction.
I have seen people that have great skill in this area already. They are not mind readers, nor do they exhibit truly super human ability, but nonetheless, those people with high "EQ" tend to succeed greatly where mental prediction is critical: Business, politics, etc. It's too bad medical professionals don't have this skill--they would probably do a better job working with patients!
I've come to realize that reading other's thoughts is NOT a super power I would want. Rather, I have decided that the only super power I would like to have is the inability to care what others are thinking about me at all. Of course, this isn't to say I don't care about what people think, but I find that too often in life we pay attention closely to the way others perceive us. It is exemplified by our need for attention, our obsession with image and materialism, and our unending need to impress others.
I have met great people that "don't give a f*ck", but often times, it comes across as negative and selfish. Other times, it so characterizes the person so much that they are either ineffective in life. What I'm talking about is different. Creativity, idea generation, and a healthy level of risk-taking requires the person to diverge from the norm and acceptable. This is what makes us move forward. Vision comes from having an idea, then nurturing the idea despite the criticism and doubt the world throws at us.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sequencing of Events
Everything should have a purpose. I've been thinking about all that I do and the objectives behind it, and lately, I've been trying to figure out how all these things fit together. What am I really trying to achieve in life? How do my actions fit together to ultimately get me where I want to go? And how will I know when I've come to this "Nirvana" in my life?
There was once this fellow named Maslow and he made this triangle looking thing and it had different needs. At the bottom were the basics...food, safety, etc...BUT...are these REALLY the basics? Take for example of these these "basic" needs--sex. Isn't that a major driver of a significant amount of human activity? I guess what he meant was that "sex" was really about reproduction. So, reproduction becomes a key motivator, which is true. Aw shit, now I have to back up further...
We work. I work. The rat race is on and everyone is trying to claw their way to the top. Why? What do you we achieve by this? Do we actually do what we want? Are we what we always said we "wanted to be when we grow up?" Probably not for most people...I can't imagine a kid saying he/she wants to grow up to manage money (bankers) or become an Analytics Manager for Kraft Foods (me). So, therefore, we work at these jobs for other reasons--like money. Money is a key driver of many people's career paths, and the more they get, the more they want. I know some very rich people that theoretically have enough money for all their basic necessities, yet they are continually driven by the task of making more.
Money has this strange relationship with sex (and hence, reproduction). Yes, there is the simple equation of paying money for sex, but that's not what I'm eluding to here. Rather, it is a two-step process, and often involves what Singaporean women would call "the 5 C's". They are Condo, Car, Cash, Credit Cards, and Country Club Membership. Pay for these, and you are all on your way to separating your ugly self from the rest. I was on a tour in Africa, and the guide was describing how a particular animal, the Impala, actually mates. In this case, the biggest, strongest male gets to mate with all of the females...are his choice. The other males, labeled as "losers", are sent out to graze for life with other weak Impalas and probably will never have the chance to have the pleasures of a female. Like Impalas, we use money to separate ourselves from the pack, avoid being a loser, and maybe have the opportunity to reproduce!
So, money, as a primary driver, gets people to a basic need (sex). So now what? I do many things in life that are outside the realm of money. Travel, boxing, bungee jumping, basketball and partying are among my favorite activities. So if not for money, what is the point? Yes, thematically these things often lead me step closer to moving up Maslow's ladder, but where does it all lead to? Experiences can be had not to satisfy basic needs, but why do they leave me yearning for more?
So my observation is this. Psychologically, these events have a certain way of deductively getting me to a basic need--reproduction. By accomplishing many of these wild dreams now, I essentially "check the box" and bring myself mentally one step closer to settling down. I believe they call this "sowing your wild oats".
I have sowed and sowed and sowed. I think now I finally feel like I can reproduce. The precursors to it (money, etc.) seem to be there, so as long as I keep my main goal in mind, then the world loses part of its complexity. The constant greed I see around me seems absurd, but I suppose not everyone asks themselves what is the point of having so much.
Hmmm...here's a thought. Maybe having all that shit makes people feel like they have entered self-actualization. Well, then theoretically the US would have a lot of self-actualizers...too bad they don't rank among the happiest cultures (we are #23 actually).
See this article about the "Happiest Countries" published by Newsweek
Happy Countries
This may be the most dull blog I've ever written. I'm literally almost falling asleep as I re-read this awful masterpiece of shit. And for that reason, I'm going to abruptly stop it. Maybe something more thoughtful will come out next time.
There was once this fellow named Maslow and he made this triangle looking thing and it had different needs. At the bottom were the basics...food, safety, etc...BUT...are these REALLY the basics? Take for example of these these "basic" needs--sex. Isn't that a major driver of a significant amount of human activity? I guess what he meant was that "sex" was really about reproduction. So, reproduction becomes a key motivator, which is true. Aw shit, now I have to back up further...
We work. I work. The rat race is on and everyone is trying to claw their way to the top. Why? What do you we achieve by this? Do we actually do what we want? Are we what we always said we "wanted to be when we grow up?" Probably not for most people...I can't imagine a kid saying he/she wants to grow up to manage money (bankers) or become an Analytics Manager for Kraft Foods (me). So, therefore, we work at these jobs for other reasons--like money. Money is a key driver of many people's career paths, and the more they get, the more they want. I know some very rich people that theoretically have enough money for all their basic necessities, yet they are continually driven by the task of making more.
Money has this strange relationship with sex (and hence, reproduction). Yes, there is the simple equation of paying money for sex, but that's not what I'm eluding to here. Rather, it is a two-step process, and often involves what Singaporean women would call "the 5 C's". They are Condo, Car, Cash, Credit Cards, and Country Club Membership. Pay for these, and you are all on your way to separating your ugly self from the rest. I was on a tour in Africa, and the guide was describing how a particular animal, the Impala, actually mates. In this case, the biggest, strongest male gets to mate with all of the females...are his choice. The other males, labeled as "losers", are sent out to graze for life with other weak Impalas and probably will never have the chance to have the pleasures of a female. Like Impalas, we use money to separate ourselves from the pack, avoid being a loser, and maybe have the opportunity to reproduce!
So, money, as a primary driver, gets people to a basic need (sex). So now what? I do many things in life that are outside the realm of money. Travel, boxing, bungee jumping, basketball and partying are among my favorite activities. So if not for money, what is the point? Yes, thematically these things often lead me step closer to moving up Maslow's ladder, but where does it all lead to? Experiences can be had not to satisfy basic needs, but why do they leave me yearning for more?
So my observation is this. Psychologically, these events have a certain way of deductively getting me to a basic need--reproduction. By accomplishing many of these wild dreams now, I essentially "check the box" and bring myself mentally one step closer to settling down. I believe they call this "sowing your wild oats".
I have sowed and sowed and sowed. I think now I finally feel like I can reproduce. The precursors to it (money, etc.) seem to be there, so as long as I keep my main goal in mind, then the world loses part of its complexity. The constant greed I see around me seems absurd, but I suppose not everyone asks themselves what is the point of having so much.
Hmmm...here's a thought. Maybe having all that shit makes people feel like they have entered self-actualization. Well, then theoretically the US would have a lot of self-actualizers...too bad they don't rank among the happiest cultures (we are #23 actually).
See this article about the "Happiest Countries" published by Newsweek
Happy Countries
This may be the most dull blog I've ever written. I'm literally almost falling asleep as I re-read this awful masterpiece of shit. And for that reason, I'm going to abruptly stop it. Maybe something more thoughtful will come out next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)