The Mathematics Behind "The One"

It's 11pm on a Friday night. I'm such a loser tonight that I have forgone the opportunity to hit the bars and clubs in order to sit here and write. Yes, I'm working on a couple of muscle relaxants. Yes, I have had 5-6 Whiskey-Cokes, but what the hell...TGIF, right?

So I had this random thought a few weeks ago and thought I should record it before it is like most of my thoughts these days...gone. I was thinking about the idea of "the one". Ya know, it's that one proverbial person that everyone thinks exists for him/her. I thought I'd provide some logic and analytical thought to the chances that we can actually meet someone like this. I mean, we meet people all the time, right? So why, is it so damn difficult to find people we click with? Well, here goes...

Let's start with the basic principle of probability. First, we assume that a person must have more than one trait we like in order to get in the pool of potentials. For example...

Good catch = Intelligent (x1) * funny (x2) * good looking (x3) * "n"

We agree that a person should have at least these three characteristics. For me, there are exactly 12 characteristics describing the perfect woman (listed another time), but everyone has a different number. The principle here is that there is a measurable probability that a person will have these traits. These probabilities change from person to person. For example, I may say that only 20% of people are attractive, whereas the person next to me may claim that 60% of people are attractive. This would be because I prefer to chase only 8's, while this person is content with 4's. Furthermore, we all have different expectations for intelligence. If I am to say that a Graduate degree is a good reflection of intelligence (perhaps it isn't), then some people may only select people with a Master's degree. This wholly constitutes less than 5% of the population. Another person may say a high school education is not even necessary, opening up the field of his/her choice to most of the general population.

Now for the mathematics. How hard is it to find a person that fits the most basic criteria you expect? See the equation below and the provided assumptions.

Assumptions:

• 3 out of 10 people are attractive (assuming you like 7's, 8's, 9's, or 10's)
• 3 out of 10 people have high intelligence (5 is average)
• 4 out of 10 people are funny (this assumes the same sense of humor as you)

So the equation for just three variables looks like this...

0.3(attractive) X 0.3(intelligence) X 0.4(humor) = 0.036 or 3.6%

Using this basic equation, the chance of you meeting a person that is even in the field of possibilities is only 3.6%. If you add to it other facts such as religious preference, values, and common interests, your chances of meeting "the one" drop to well below 1%. Guaranteed.

It is also true that the ratios for each of these variables may chance depending on your environment. For example, in a Nightclub, the probability of attractiveness may go up to 8 of 10 people, but then the intelligence and humor may decrease. In this case, the equation looks like this:

0.8 (attractive) X 0.2 (intelligence) X 0.1 (humor) = 0.016 or 1.6%

Net-net, you are probably better off finding someone average in all the important measures, instead of choosing one variable as most important and dramatically sacrificing others...i.e., go for 7's with good personalities.

The other option is to lower your expectations altogether. Be less selective. Don't be picky. When this is done, the probability goes up more dramatically than other ways.

0.8 X 0.8 X 0.8 = 0.512 or 51.2%

Now you have over a 50% chance! Of course, your standards have been significantly marginalized. This is what makes it feasible for most of the general population to easily marry and reproduce...they simply have a larger pool of possibilities than those who are selective.

There is one major variable that has not been discussed to this point--the idea that the person has to like you! All the above calculations are about assessing the pool of possibilities, but when you consider the fact that many people will not reciprocate your interest, probability can drop to deadly levels. For example, you may like attractive, intelligent, funny people, but if you are a smelly, fat, a$$hole, the likelihood that the person will reciprocate interest is very low. In this case, your probability drops to a small decimal, almost zero. Advice--lower standards to low levels.

The point of all of this is that simple probability theory proves that meeting the "one" is difficult. However, there is good news. Even under the worst conditions, you still have a lot of chances. If your chances are 1%, then technically there are 60 Million people in the world of 6 Billion that qualify, so be optimistic! It might take a while to search the world over, but at least you know what your chances are.

I honestly don't know how to break down this in any other way. I invite anyone who reads this to come up with another theory that is perhaps more optimistic about our chances to find someone we want to procreate with. :)

The Rules of Attraction

The Rules of Attraction

The Rules of Attraction

I have never understood why human beings have to be so alone. There are so many people on this planet, and we all know several people who complain because they can't find someone special. So many are lonely, so many are looking, searching for the person that will fulfill all of their dreams. I have come to the conclusion that the following rules apply to attraction, which are inhibitors of our finding that "one."

The first rule of attraction is that the person you always want never wants you. You can have all the talents and abilities in the world-wit, intelligence, beauty, ambition, sincerity, you name it. And none of this means anything in the end if a person just doesn't want you. We all try to improve ourselves...look better, be thinner, dress better, or even act smarter, but none of this matters in the end. We (humans) are beings of imperfection (which I'll cover in another blog), and even if we could create our "perfect selves," we'd probably still be far from someone else's idea of perfection. Thus, improving yourself and/or acting fictitiously only serves to elongate the suffering we will feel when we are essentially rejected by the person we are trying so hard to impress. The best we can do is hope that a compatible person comes along with whom we find some miraculous connection. That, to me, is where the saying "the one" comes from. It is by some alignment of stars in the sky that someone actually wants you as much as you want them.

The second rule of attraction runs along the same lines. YOU never want the person that wants you. I was once told that I should marry someone who I love more than they love me, because being on the other end can spell destruction when you feel you aren't getting what you want. I'm sure we all have at some point rejected someone who really liked us, or just avoided them, hoping that they'd eventually go away if we don't communicate regularly with them. And, I'd guess that some have at some point tried to make a relationship with someone they didn't really like. Remember that feeling...hoping something would spark but it never did. Let's face it, we can't CONVINCE ourselves to like someone...it's not possible. Try it, keep trying...continue to hope you can bring yourself to believe it is possible and that eventually, you'll grow to love the person. The only thing we really do to those we do this to is eventually hurt them worse than if we never started in the first place.

The third rule of attraction is that most people take each other for granted at some point. Once the honeymoon is over, people start to forget what they have. How many eyes start to wonder, while the brain cranks away at the "I could do better than her/him thoughts?" We are unfortunately victims of our own illusions. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side, but unfortunately most of us come to realize too late that it isn't. Taking someone for granted is something we all do...we can have high aspirations to not, but in the end, it is unavoidable. The key is to build the relationship so strong that you persevere. It also helps to watch your miserable single friends moan and groan about how lonely they are and how lucky you are. Friends also remind us how lucky we are when we have someone. Needless to say, little gold bands around one's third finger is the best way to make sure your relationship lasts regardless of taking someone for granted...scratch that, it works about 50% of the time in our country.

The fourth rule of attraction is that no matter how hard we try to say, "this is the last time" or "I give up" or "I'm done with women/men," we will NEVER stop trying. Humans are designed to love...our souls are designed to search until we find the piece (person) that completes us. I know I try to stop. I get so hurt that often I want to stop altogether and live some maniac lifestyle free of commitment and desires to have a relationship. But, I can't stop. I'm not built that way. I keep trying to find someone. The human spirit is powered by hope, and it is something we can't run from. A person that doesn't go after love with a full heart can never truly expect to ever have it.

The fifth rule of attraction is that people want what they can't have (i.e. fantasy). It seems as though men become more attractive to females when they are either a)in a relationship or b)married. The rest of us single guys are "up the creek without a paddle" when we are compared to these sensitive, yet unavailable, men. Women become more desirable to men as they gain popularity with other men. Most men have dreams of dating someone who everyone wants...they want the hottest woman in the room. Often, men are fooled by their own thoughts of grandeur, as they are nowhere near the same class (or breed) as these women. Anyone seen Shallow Hal?

The sixth and final rule of attraction is that we cannot choose who we are attracted to. Have you ever seen someone your friends say is hot and you are like, "eh, I think I'll pass?" Have you ever been entralled by someone who your friends think is ugly? Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...don't ever let anyone tell you different. If you fall in love with a 400lb women or a man covered head-to-toe with hair, don't ask them to lose weight or have their back waxed. You are attracted to them, and you are stuck with them no matter what.Happiness is an illusion that is completely individual. Essentially, you make YOURSELF happy. Yes, people can facilitate or inhibit this feeling, but it is largely you that decides when you will be happy. So, if someone comes along that makes you happy, go for it, and f*ck what everyone else says.

I did not write this to elicit feedback on my high/low IQ (depending on how you look at it), poor grammar, or trashy writing style. I do however, accept all positive and negative remarks and opinions relating to this article.

Best regards,

Evan Michael Williams

Growing Up Middle Class

It is amazing how a person’s environmental and the contextual cues within it make a person hypersensitive to elements of self. Never before have I had such acute awareness of my upbringing—specifically, the fact that I’m middle class, as I do now.

For those of you that just met me recently, I’ll tell you the quick and dirty story of my upbringing. I was raised in a small (1600 people) farmtown in the middle of nowhere (Minnesota). My father was a lawyer, but not the stereotypical one that has gobs of money everywhere. My stepmother, for most of formative years, managed a group home for mentally disabled adults. My mother, who moved to Minneapolis after the divorce, spent years as a secretary, and now works in a job that is a hybrid of IT and Finance—basically, an office job. Simply put, my family is as middle class as they come. I was never afforded the luxury of brand-name clothes as a teenager, nor did I have to shop at the Salvation Army. I didn’t have a car of my own until I went to college, and then, it was a 1989 Pontiac Grand Am…very average indeed.

My friends are not all that dissimilar. Their parents are farmers, truckers, office workers, store clerks, and many other jobs that make up the heart of America. They are the middle class.

Many of my friends, like me, always had to have jobs. In some cases, bad jobs. Mike Taus even butchered chickens as a teenager! My first job was cleaning guts off of meat saws in the back of a grocery store. Others were not as lucky, and grew up in the middle of dangerous communities plagued with violence and drugs.

Most of my friends, and their parents, work harder than most wealthy execs. More importantly, they struggle more than these same execs. And while this should be entirely admirable, I do not find it to always be so in my mind.

In my time in Singapore, I have become increasingly aware of my upbringing, and frankly, I have an issue with it. In fact, if I were to dig as deep as I can into my own sub-conscious, I’d argue that much of the animosity I’ve felt toward my parents came not from the problems and struggles we had as a family, but rather, from a loathing that they were responsible for starting me out in life where they did. There is no way to apologize for this, but recognition can sometimes be just as relieving.

Apparently, it has always bothered me, but only now do I realize just how much. You see, in Singapore, many people I’ve seen have millions and millions, often inherited wealth. Easy lives with everything given to them, and yet, despite not having to work as hard, they are still ahead of most. The disparity of income is obvious in Asia, and living without envy can be challenging, especially when you perceive it as undeserved or unearned.

Should this bother me? Does it really matter how much money you have? Well, we all want to take the moral high-ground and say, “no”, but do we really believe this? I never claim to say it doesn’t matter. MONEY MATTERS. For me, it is not about the money per se, but what it represents. Becoming rich by earning it can be…validating. It represents knowing that just because you may not start out life with all the advantages afforded to others, you can still get it.

And that, my friends, is one of my purist motivations—to be filthy rich. At some point in life, I want to sit back, throw another million on the fire, and say to myself, “Just because you start middle class, doesn’t mean you always will be.”

I once heard that the reason Oprah never married Stedman is because his family would never accept her. You see, Stedman is blue-blood and Oprah had to scratch and claw her way to the top. And though she is now the richest woman in the world, she still cannot overcome the stereotype placed on her. Is this true? Maybe not, but it does serve as an example of a reality for many people.

Perhaps I will never believe I can be anything more than my roots tell me. However, my kids…they can be whatever I create. Note one more thing. Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart, had several kids and subsequently, grandkids. I went to grad school with a girl that new one of the Walton granddaughters. Apparently, she was a spoiled b*tch that felt entitled to the wealth she never earned. I guess we have to be careful what we create after all... :)

2007: Growing, Evolving, Balding

Looking Back on 2007

This year has been such a monumental one in my life. It is has been one of those years where I felt like I have lived perhaps more than ever. I have grown. I have evolved. I have stretched myself. In addition, I have seen events come to fruition this year that have since childhood only been thoughts of “when I grow up…”

Most people that know me would hypothesize that the most significant happening in my life this year was my move to Singapore. True, this was quite a change and one that will forever change me, but it was not the most important part of my life.

It was Tu-Anh. For me, it feels like I have known her forever, but the fact is that we only started dating in November of 2006. I guess that is love. Most of our relationship developed over the course of 2007, and it was in an awesome way. TAB taught me more about love, relationships, and the man I could be than anyone. She was the single biggest driver of my life this year, and the one that truly set me on a course to live my dream. Despite the loss of being together on a daily/weekly basis, she always encouraged me to do what I felt was right. She was never selfish about my choice to live on the other side of the world, and that has changed my perspective on love forever.

As I think about those “when I grow up” moments, I’m really just alluding to the marriages of Joe/Laura and Solomon/Christen. I’ve known Joe since we were children, and the idea that one day he would be married was foreseeable, but I’m always amazed by the actualization of such ideas that float through our minds as children. I’m so happy to see this event. I also have known Solomon since college. I still remember the first year of college…a naïve young gentleman with ambition and over-eagerness. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I am self-reflecting or talking about Solomon. In a way, we have shared these characteristics. Now, almost 10 years later, Solomon is a grown, mature individual who has taken on the responsibility of a wife.

In the Fall of 2007, right before I left, my grandmother Sheree passed away. Many people reading this may not be aware, but Sheree had a special relationship with everyone in our family…a true matriarch. She was also the most important person in my grandfather’s life. I idolize my grandfather more than anyone, and to see him in pain had a dramatic effect on me. I saw perhaps one of the strongest people I know break down. And that hurt more than anything. As with anything else in life, we find a way to move on, and though she will always be missed, she will never be forgotten. The chilling reality is someone is strong forever…even a rock can fissure.

And finally, there is Singapore. The choice I have made to come here could not have been a better decision. From a career standpoint, I have set myself up for great things, but the decision extends so much beyond that. My perspective on the world, the US, and the interconnectedness of all of us is forefront in my thoughts now. In addition, the almost complete elimination of US media from my life has actually had a positive impact of my mood. No more worries about war, or crime, or drugs. No more North Minneapolis either, which I both love and hate. Perhaps I am oversensitive to these social ills, but they influence and impact your thoughts when you live there, whether you know it or not.

Of course, the year could not have been completed without something outrageous. On December 17th, I broke a bone for the first time in my life...my fifth metatarsal (my foot) and had surgery. Surgery in a foreign country was quite the experience. I took a cab to the hospital, had surgery, laid in a bed two days, checked myself out, and took a cab home. I saw no one for three days. I HAD DISAPPEARED. The nurses looked at my oddly as I explained my insistance that no one from my office, nor my friends, come visit me. Perhaps a bit of narcissism here, but I find true strength in dealing with complete isolation.

As I look back, I realize that all the most important memories of the year all evolve around relationships. This certainly holds true year after year, yet the people and relationships change. It is at the core of my belief that nothing can be forever, so it is crucial that we are completely aware of every moment…that the moments we share are to be cherished, because eventually they will end.

Best wishes, happy holidays and have a great 2008!