I really enjoy the flaws in people. I'm not sure why, but the fact that we are inherently flawed as creatures of God is a bit amusing to me. It's amusing because we try so hard to avoid it. If we could observe ourselves from an outsider's view, we'd probably notice all our over-compensating behavior, misguided beliefs, and subconscious mannerisms. We'd laugh at how hard we try and fail. The question I ask myself from a more spiritual view is, "Why would God, who made us in His light, create us to be so imperfect, so ridiculously clueless about what life means?" I mean, most people on the planet go their entire life without a purpose. I've never met anyone that actually knows how to grieve properly (or at least help someone that is.). It's as if we are created to struggle in our own awkwardness.
The strangest part of imperfection is that while we try so fucking hard to avoid it, at the end of the day, it's what we prefer. So many obvious examples...George Bush was elected twice not because people thought he was a genius...it was because he was simple and relateable and people liked that. They liked his stupidity and simple-charm.
Men like attractive women. They look for physical specimens so perfect that people have no choice but to shockingly say, "why is she with him?" Yet men cheat. More times than not, the seductress does not possess the same high quality he so admires. It is as if he strives to find a flaw.
People like flaws. I am a perfect example. I am not the most attractive person. My dry sense of humor and unending cynicism can be sweltering, yet I've been able to have more than what I deserve in love. People see a broken tool to try and fix. They see the good parts - money, looks, brains (sorry...not trying to be an ego maniac). They also see the bad parts - emotionally crippled, sociopathic, narcissistic. Now, the first set of qualities is what you think a person looks for, but I believe it is the second set that not only intrigues people, but it actually attracts them to me. The saying, "if you play with fire, your gonna get burnt" comes to mind...
I love beautiful, unique looking people. I hate conformity. Vanilla is not my favorite flavor. I like strawberry lime, butterscotch pecan, chocolate fudge swirl rainbow sherbet all wrapped into one. I like all the bad qualities that make people so imperfect. I want them to be human like me. I want a puzzle. I want stimulation.
I'm starting to honestly tire a little of Barack Obama. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful we have an intelligent, articulate and driven president that sticks to his values (or at least it appears that way). I just want him to make a mistake. I want him to screw an intern and then smoke a cigar. I want him to lie or do something dumb. I want him to use incorrect grammar and make up ridiculous words. Humans are fun. Robots are boring. Sorry Mr. Obama, but please remember that people don't want perfection. If you want to really build a legacy for generations, do like Bill Clinton and make a mistake.
To all, may you shimmer in your own inadequacies. May they define you as much as your spirit. The Shadow can be as powerful as the Moral Self. Embrace it. Show others how horrifying you can be and they will love you even more than ever.
Monday, November 16, 2009
A letter from your secret admirer...
I admire you, and so this is for you.
You may not be reliable. You may not be worth any of this. I don't know yet. I know that I am not reliable. I can tell you for certain that I am not worth any of it. Yet for some strange reason, I find that you cannot see it. That somehow this obvious reality eludes even you, with such a clever and cunning mind.
All I want to do is protect you from this world and all the dangers in it. Yet, perhaps I am the danger itself and the scarring that is risked by my presence is unknown to you. My love for you is dedicated to hoping the ugliness would somehow surpass you. I am torn. I see all that I am in you and maybe I am being selfish, because somehow, I want the good Evan to live on vicariously through you and leave the rest to my body.
You make me laugh. Those laughs are worth every second of internal confusion I suffer when you are not around. Chaos is synonymous with love to me. I wish it was not like this, but I need it. Love isn't love without the drama.
I may have to disappear to make this alright. I don't want to and with every day, I realize how selfish I am. I've never told you how I really felt, rather I hope you will just guess it and accept it. I want infinitely more time with you. Every conversation is cherished. Every moment is valued. Yet I find myself avoiding what I want most.
We are so different and you know this. But it intrigues you. You are curious if the hybrid of our personalities and values could somehow be combined to make something that is greater than the sum of all parts. I believe it can happen. I want it to be you. I've wanted that since the day I first laid eyes on you.
Only a little longer, and then the path will be clear. I just pray you don't get hurt in the process that is tormenting me daily.
You may not be reliable. You may not be worth any of this. I don't know yet. I know that I am not reliable. I can tell you for certain that I am not worth any of it. Yet for some strange reason, I find that you cannot see it. That somehow this obvious reality eludes even you, with such a clever and cunning mind.
All I want to do is protect you from this world and all the dangers in it. Yet, perhaps I am the danger itself and the scarring that is risked by my presence is unknown to you. My love for you is dedicated to hoping the ugliness would somehow surpass you. I am torn. I see all that I am in you and maybe I am being selfish, because somehow, I want the good Evan to live on vicariously through you and leave the rest to my body.
You make me laugh. Those laughs are worth every second of internal confusion I suffer when you are not around. Chaos is synonymous with love to me. I wish it was not like this, but I need it. Love isn't love without the drama.
I may have to disappear to make this alright. I don't want to and with every day, I realize how selfish I am. I've never told you how I really felt, rather I hope you will just guess it and accept it. I want infinitely more time with you. Every conversation is cherished. Every moment is valued. Yet I find myself avoiding what I want most.
We are so different and you know this. But it intrigues you. You are curious if the hybrid of our personalities and values could somehow be combined to make something that is greater than the sum of all parts. I believe it can happen. I want it to be you. I've wanted that since the day I first laid eyes on you.
Only a little longer, and then the path will be clear. I just pray you don't get hurt in the process that is tormenting me daily.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Her
Life is becoming harder and harder under this condition. The potential for love is right in front of me, but there is nothing I can do about the situation. I have to stand by. I can only hope that she knows and gives me the opportunity to show her.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My Values
I've been thinking a lot lately about life...about how to live well and righteous. I don't have a connection to a religious affiliation, nor do I find any inspiration from my work. I've been a miserable failure at living with integrity. It is time to change. I've decided to list out what I believe to be important values to live by. The values are simple in theory, but to practice these on a daily basis is difficult.
Here they are:
- Treat others have you’d have them treat your loved ones
- Be patient.
- Be an eternal optimist.
- Be kind.
- Take others at face value.
- Live with empathy.
- Be decisive and confident in your decisions.
- Listen first. Speak after.
- Be honest with yourself and others.
- Inspire others.
- Live with discipline and restraint.
- Never stop learning.
Here they are:
- Treat others have you’d have them treat your loved ones
- Be patient.
- Be an eternal optimist.
- Be kind.
- Take others at face value.
- Live with empathy.
- Be decisive and confident in your decisions.
- Listen first. Speak after.
- Be honest with yourself and others.
- Inspire others.
- Live with discipline and restraint.
- Never stop learning.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Manila and Scum
It was 3:30 in the afternoon and after arriving at Terminal 1 at the Manila International Airport, I was ready to return to my life in Singapore. I had landed only 30 minutes earlier from Boracay, where I had spent another magical weekend in this absolute gem of the world.
Chaos is everywhere in the Philippines, and the airports are no exception. Hundreds of people wait in the hot sun outside the terminal, saying goodbye to family members that are coming and going as OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers). Lines are packed, security is a mess. People are everywhere.
As I stood in the security line, my thoughts were filled of the parties with friends in Boracay. The saturation of cultures and races in Boracay is beautiful, and I grinned as I also reminisced at the kindness of the workers at the hotel which I regularly stay.
A fat man stood in front of me in line and turned to speak. Before any words came out of his mouth, I already knew what this scum was going to say. It was common in the Philippines. Worthless and pathetic men, self-exiled from their own country, make routine trips to the Philippines to feast on the weak. This man was the epitome of everything in the world I hate.
He was easily 350 to 400 pounds, with greased blonde hair that did not cover most of his balding head. He lacked his four front upper teeth and the others were jagged and eroded. The man’s eyes were vacant; the kind of vacancy that is seen also in people that have severely abused drugs and alcohol and permanently ruined their brains.
“So, where are you coming from?” he asked.
“I was just in Boracay for the weekend,” I replied, attempting to be as polite as possible. I knew the path this conversation would lead to, but didn’t stop it in its infancy
“Why the hell would you go to Boracay?! What, to see fish? Who cares?! I don’t leave a 100 mile radius of Manila,” he emphatically stated, now eyes were on him from everywhere. He was clearly out of his mind.
After a few exchanges of the usual whats and whys, he decided to challenge the assumption that Singapore was a good place to live. And this, my friends is where murder should have happened.
Without provocation, he spilled out everything that I knew would be said. Once you live over here long enough, you can spot it a mile away. You can see it coming...
“Well, tell me if you can get this in Singapore. I want three girls in my bed, and the rest of the bitches groveling on the ground waiting for me.”
I’m now on the plane and remembering these words. They are echoing in my ears. The few Manilians working around him acted unaffected, likely desensitized to these types, who they regularly see flow through the airport.
My eyes well up as I think about this moment. They are not tears of fear or sadness though. They are of rage, frustration, and anger. I should have swung. Stood up. Done something. Instead, I ignored the comment to not further aggravate an obviously stupid person. I’m sure no one would have minded this man being beaten after seeing and hearing him. My anger spills into thoughts of fanatical grandeur with one desire...to murder...to eradicate these people. To have them beg for their pathetic lives.
Christian philosophy believes we must not judge each other and sins should be forgiven. I am not a Christian. Judgment should take place on Earth from the righteous to the unrighteous. God should not love them. There should be no salvation. Torture, murder, revenge, and above all, justice should be brought to these people.
The only true way to solve this is to remove the poverty. I’m not stupid and I know that. Education. Food. Economic development. The reality is that poverty and its many manifestations create opportunities for these types. It’s the weakest of the weak that lose to the most disgusting of people.
People move to Africa. They build water supplies and whatever else to help a small number of people in a major way. As Mother Teresa once said,
“What we are trying to do may be just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”
So, it’s time to practice the opposite. It’s time for us to take drops out of the ocean. Only in this case, it’s the ones that pollute it. Dark days are coming for this particular scum of Earth. Justice is coming...
Chaos is everywhere in the Philippines, and the airports are no exception. Hundreds of people wait in the hot sun outside the terminal, saying goodbye to family members that are coming and going as OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers). Lines are packed, security is a mess. People are everywhere.
As I stood in the security line, my thoughts were filled of the parties with friends in Boracay. The saturation of cultures and races in Boracay is beautiful, and I grinned as I also reminisced at the kindness of the workers at the hotel which I regularly stay.
A fat man stood in front of me in line and turned to speak. Before any words came out of his mouth, I already knew what this scum was going to say. It was common in the Philippines. Worthless and pathetic men, self-exiled from their own country, make routine trips to the Philippines to feast on the weak. This man was the epitome of everything in the world I hate.
He was easily 350 to 400 pounds, with greased blonde hair that did not cover most of his balding head. He lacked his four front upper teeth and the others were jagged and eroded. The man’s eyes were vacant; the kind of vacancy that is seen also in people that have severely abused drugs and alcohol and permanently ruined their brains.
“So, where are you coming from?” he asked.
“I was just in Boracay for the weekend,” I replied, attempting to be as polite as possible. I knew the path this conversation would lead to, but didn’t stop it in its infancy
“Why the hell would you go to Boracay?! What, to see fish? Who cares?! I don’t leave a 100 mile radius of Manila,” he emphatically stated, now eyes were on him from everywhere. He was clearly out of his mind.
After a few exchanges of the usual whats and whys, he decided to challenge the assumption that Singapore was a good place to live. And this, my friends is where murder should have happened.
Without provocation, he spilled out everything that I knew would be said. Once you live over here long enough, you can spot it a mile away. You can see it coming...
“Well, tell me if you can get this in Singapore. I want three girls in my bed, and the rest of the bitches groveling on the ground waiting for me.”
I’m now on the plane and remembering these words. They are echoing in my ears. The few Manilians working around him acted unaffected, likely desensitized to these types, who they regularly see flow through the airport.
My eyes well up as I think about this moment. They are not tears of fear or sadness though. They are of rage, frustration, and anger. I should have swung. Stood up. Done something. Instead, I ignored the comment to not further aggravate an obviously stupid person. I’m sure no one would have minded this man being beaten after seeing and hearing him. My anger spills into thoughts of fanatical grandeur with one desire...to murder...to eradicate these people. To have them beg for their pathetic lives.
Christian philosophy believes we must not judge each other and sins should be forgiven. I am not a Christian. Judgment should take place on Earth from the righteous to the unrighteous. God should not love them. There should be no salvation. Torture, murder, revenge, and above all, justice should be brought to these people.
The only true way to solve this is to remove the poverty. I’m not stupid and I know that. Education. Food. Economic development. The reality is that poverty and its many manifestations create opportunities for these types. It’s the weakest of the weak that lose to the most disgusting of people.
People move to Africa. They build water supplies and whatever else to help a small number of people in a major way. As Mother Teresa once said,
“What we are trying to do may be just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”
So, it’s time to practice the opposite. It’s time for us to take drops out of the ocean. Only in this case, it’s the ones that pollute it. Dark days are coming for this particular scum of Earth. Justice is coming...
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