"Lost in my Head"

So, I've been thinking a lot about people since I've been here. People I've known, people I've care for...people that have shared major times in my life.

And it's amazing to me how quickly people move on. Not because of mean spirits or disdain, but rather, because I think we are built to eliminate people from our lives much like closing chapters in a book. As I write this, I wonder how people will feel...Unsettled? Antagonized? Agreeable?

I know that I will not be here a long time, and I will soon become a fading memory to most. It has been a concept that I am still trying to understand how one internalizes. It is a humbling feeling to know, absolutely know, how finite and small you are in the grand scheme of the world. If I am not remembered while alive...if my existence on this planet is that insignificant, then how fast will I disappear when I am completely gone?

The reality is that none of us will be remembered very long...maybe 100 years if we are very lucky. Instead of a legacy, the only thing that truly matters is what you do today...for yourself. I must grow, I must learn, I must undertand my world, I must appreciate it...I must appreciate every single second I have...cherish it, because soon, it will all be over. My fear is not that I will be forgotten. It's that there will be nothing to forget.

I don't cry enough these days. I don't get giddy about much. I am happy, but sometimes I wonder if this lack of range in emotion, this level of vanilla, is helpful. Because without sorrow, there cannot be joy. Without pain, there cannot be pleasure. I do not want to forget sorrow or pain, because I fear that my gluttony will overwhelm me and I will forget how to feel sympathy. To be removed from pain is to disconnect yourself from those who are in it...and the human experience requires empathy for others. I do not want to lose touch with the human experience, but I often feel I am losing my grip on it.

There is no crime here...there is no violence...there is no poverty...there is no visible racism...I am learning to cope with what is as close to a utopic society as humans perhaps will ever devise. The only problem now is I'm not sure utopia can exist in any form...we need the horrors to enjoy the harmony.